May angels lead you in

Twenty children went to school today expecting to make gingerbread houses, learn, play with their friends and then go home to their families to enjoy the weekend.

It's a little over a week until Christmas; I bet they were wondering what Santa was going to bring them.

I am still having a hard time truly comprehending how someone could take the lives of twenty children. Or anyone for that matter. But children should not have to fear walking into school.

Twenty sets of parents went home to toys in the livingroom, unmade beds, dishes with Disney characters on them in the sink and clothes in the laundry. All items that belong to a child who will not come home. The pain must be debilitating.

Bedtime with my son is usually a drawn out process. He brushes his teeth, goes potty (if I am lucky; potty training has proven to be quite challenging in our house), we read stories and then he basically talks, rolls around, tries to get up and play, sometimes poops, and then -- eventually -- likely, 90 minutes later, he is asleep. By the end of it, I am either ready to rip my hair out, have a glass of wine or just flop on the floor in exhaustion.

Tonight, though it was shorter than usual as he was extra tired, I laid with him until his breaths became deeper and more drawn out. I watched his fingers gently curl into his hand as his body relaxed. Studying every curve of his face and brushing his bangs off his forehead, I actually felt like I could cry. Thinking of someone hurting my child infuriates me. The thought of someone taking the life of my child not only brings anger, but also sadness and emptiness.

We all pray for our children's safety and health. We hear stories of children taken from us far too soon due to an illness or a car accident. This, however -- this is unheard of. No parent should have to bury their child, and no town should ever have to endure the horrific events that occurred today.

Parenting is tough. No one trains you; no one tells you that this tiny human will fill you with a love like you have never experienced before, a love that nothing could compare to. Sleepless nights, tantrums and picky eating are all things that can, for a moment, put you over the edge and, like I said before, make you feel like you're temporarily insane. It's a day like like this one that serves as a harsh, brutal reminder that these are all normal parts of life and, though stressful, I wouldn't change it for the world. Appreciate every moment because you really, truly never know if it will be the last you have.

My deepest sympathies go out to everyone affected by the shooting today. I do not know you, but I am mourning with you. I wish you strength and courage as you face the days ahead.

To all of those who lost their lives: May angels lead you in.

If I could just write more, maybe I could be a writer

I have more than 7,000 words waiting for me to revisit them in a Microsoft Word document titled "MY NOVEL." I was doing a pretty fine job spending quality time with my characters and developing my story, then I came down with a nasty cold and felt like crap. Then my kid got sick. Then it was Thanksgiving. My attempt at using NaNoWriMo to my own benefit of finishing my novel poofed away and it was, instead, NaWriNoMo: National Write Nothing Month. What a joke.

 I've wanted to be a writer for nearly 10 years now. I still have the fuel in my gut, that voice in my head that tells me "it WILL happen," but life seems to have gotten in the way -- not that I am complaining. I love my husband and I love my son; I wouldn't change what I have for anything. I just wish I could devote more time to writing.

At this moment in time, I am freelancing, searching for a full-time job and tending to my maniac of a toddler as my husband is a full-time student and part-time intern. The job hunt, this time around, has been challenging. I've been searching and applying for more than four months. I've been interviewed and told, "We'll let you know either way - we won't leave you hanging!" Um. FYI -- I have been hanging. A lot. I thought surely, by now, something would have worked out for me. It hasn't.

I must make a resolution to myself, for myself, to finish what I have been writing. I know I can do it, I just have to actually sit down and do it. I hear all successful writers even sit and write on days they feel they couldn't even get one word out. It's all in dedication, I suppose.

I've got the drive and I know I am dedicated, I just need the energy and the kick-in-the-butt to do it. Every day. Until it's finished. And then revise. And revise. And revise.

 I, Bridget, hereby commit myself to take time - every day - to write.

 Hopefully.

And, I am back!

I haven't written in a while. I guess you could say I have been pretty busy. I started my new job in the middle of January. The hour-long commute to and from work, combined with nightly duties of cooking, cleaning up, playing with child, putting child to bed, and spending time with husband have taken over my life. I'll think of something I could write about and, before you know it, :: poof :: the opportunity is gone.

Today, we took Jonathan to mass. Palm Sunday mass. A two-year old to Palm Sunday mass. For those of you that go to a Catholic church, you can see where this is going, can't you? Momma forgot just how long the Gospel reading is. Momma also forgot that people don't particularly care for a child making truck noises throughout the readings, prayers and songs. It was my idea to go, too. We go to the Presbyterian church for services occasionally, but with my Catholic upbringing, I felt this inner pull to go to an actual mass for Palm Sunday. I wanted to experience something I was used to. I ... was only thinking of myself. Yeah, way to go, Bridget.

Luckily, the church had a play room where they hold Sunday school. Of course, Jonathan immediately gravitated toward the trucks and tractors. That's my boy! These days, anything that has to do with transportation makes him happy. I had to miss the majority of the mass, but at least we made the attempt.

We ventured to Target afterward, where Bobby and I got our morning chai/coffee and Jonathan enjoyed his little milk-box (like a juice box, but with milk). Did we really have a reason to be in Target? No. It's just what we do when we don't know what else to do -- we hit up the "Tar-jay".

That completely unproductive trip ended with me spilling my hot chai all over my legs as we got in the car. As we drove the not even 10 minutes back home, the temperature quickly went from hot to cold and clammy. Ugh. Sundays are supposed to be a day of rest, right? All I have felt today is busy and brain-fried ... and it is not even 12:30!

Now, I sit here writing this, with Cars 2 on to keep Jonathan happy and hopefully calm so I can get some stuff done around this house. I told Bobby to go see Hunger Games; he's been talking about it and I think he needed a little mental break. I got to go do fun things yesterday, so now it is his turn. I'll need to get groceries at some point, though the thought of going back out with Jonathan before he's napped is a little frightening.

Anyway, after rambling for nearly 10 minutes, I think it's time to call it quits. I'll try to update more often but, until next time, adios!

Just a catch up buzz

I can't believe I let this go for so long without updating. Well, hold on a minute, if I think about everything that's gone on in the past 6 months ... I can believe it.

The last entry I posted was a bit of a rant about Corporate America. Frankly, I still feel the same way. I'm not going to get into too much detail, but in short, Bobby and I have moved from Pittsburgh to Selinsgrove, PA.

Why?

Well, let me put it into perspective for you. Last summer, we found out that Bobby would be getting orders to go active as the "stay-behind" officer during his unit's upcoming deployment. At the time, we believed it would be for roughly 18 months. With a son who had just turned one, no huge support system for me in Pittsburgh and what I believed to be a position at work that would allow me the flexibility, we ultimately decided to keep the family together. My family will always come first.

Unfortunately, the above didn't exactly go as planned. I wasn't given permission to work remotely full-time as I had hoped, though I technically could do my job anywhere I had my laptop and Wifi. I was allowed to work remotely while they recruited for my replacement which wound up being a total of three months. As of December 16, I am no longer an employee of the bank.

Three days into unemployment and I receive a call offering me a position I had been interviewing for. I accepted, grateful for the opportunity to continue with my career while we live here. The people seem nice and I can honestly say I am excited to give working in the health care world a shot. Financial services was never the direction I saw myself going in, it just kind of happened. Hell, health care communications wasn't on my top 10 ideal jobs, either, but I have faith that all of these curves in the road will help to lead me to reach the goals I have set for myself.

Now we are in 2012 and my Lord, I can't believe how fast the time has flown by. Jonathan is going to be two in a couple months and he is running around and talking up a storm. This age is challenging but so much fun, too. I really think if you try to keep your mind set on the positives you will feel more positive about your situations. At least I keep telling myself that when we're dealing with a tantrum about not wanting to put clothes on!

Have I made resolutions for this year? Sort of, I guess. I have goals, and I really believe myself when I say I am going to reach them. I've been working on a book and you know what? I am going to finish it. I still feel self-conscious of some aspects of my post-baby body. This year, that is going to change. Also, I fully intend to write in this blog more and, might I add, update my other blog, too.

Oh, Bridget has another blog? Why, as a matter of fact, I do! "Bee's Shoe Obsession" is my outlet for my love of shoes. Don't tell me you're not surprised.

I hope that everyone's holidays were magnificent, and that you strive to reach your goals this year, too! Set your mind to it, and nothing will get in your way.

One little fishy, swimming in the sea ...

I'm at a crossroads, and am feeling slightly frightened. There are some changes in the distance. Just close enough for me to know they are there, but far enough to make them a complete mystery. I wish I could get into more detail here, but at this time I can't.

All I can say is that my family will always come first. Always. I have said it before, my career is very important to me, but my family is much more important to me. If you are truly happy with your life, you will make the other things work with it. The times, they sure are a-changing ... and maybe that is for the best.

This may give it away, but corporate America and I have a love/hate relationship. It's steadily been moving closer to the latter, as of recently. I sat outside work today, with the two main buildings in front of me and it was an exact depiction of how I have been feeling. I looked up at these two, 30-40 story buildings, wondering who is up there. WAY up there. Do they ever look down, do they even care? And, if they looked down, I would just be another person in the sea of the city.

Like I said, I am at a crossroads, and I'm feeling a bit scared. I have faith in life, though. We all must follow our paths.

She hasn't let me down. Yet.

Empathy

Empathy. It's a simple word, and most people generally understand its meaning. But, really ... think about it. Do you know what it is to truly be empathetic? A natural human expectation is to have someone relate to their position when in a time of need, sadness, anger, and even happiness.

I am, sometimes, too empathetic. Then again, at times I feel like I am heartless. I pass the same guy as I get on the highway. He's holding a sign saying he's homeless and hungry. I have, not once, given him a dollar. I have offered an umbrella when it was pouring. Maybe tomorrow, I'll roll down my window and hand over a couple bucks. Here's the empathetic side coming through: If I were homeless, hungry, and alone. It would be nice to have someone actually reach out to help me. But, the realisitc, pessimistic side thinks: get a job. See, I told you I could be heartless.

When it comes to parenting, I think empathy is crucial. You have to put yourself in your child's position with nearly everything you do. I truly believe that being an empathetic parent is a huge step toward lessening frustration and gaining understanding, especially with a toddler who cannot communicate his wants and needs. In my opinion, you need to step out of yourself in the very moment when he or she falls to the floor for a tantrum. Think: He wants something. He's not getting it. He can't tell me what he wants, and that's probably frustrating for him. Talk to your child, even if you think they don't get it. Calmly tell them that you know they're upset, it's okay to be upset, and that you love them. They're not having a melt down to make you angry, so don't be.

Here's another case where being empathetic is crucial for parenting: I saw a mother with two very small children crossing the road today. They were going slowly, of course, as they had very tiny legs. Irritated, she lashed out at both of them, telling them to "hurry up" and as they scooted quicker across the street, she said (loudly) "I don't f*cking understand why you can't just move!". Well, mom, they are small kids. They have small legs. That means, they move slower. If you stopped to think about that and put yourself in their position where you, their mother, is walking faster than them and then yelling at them... how would YOU feel? The look on the kids' faces made my heart sink. It was like they knew she was frustrated with them. They probably did. Really .. was that necessary? Couldn't you have said in a nicer manner "come on, you two, the cars are coming!".

I really just think that it's common sense. In any situation you come into, think about the other person. Could you be projecting negativity when you don't mean you are? Could your tone be taken in a way you didn't intend? If your friend/family member is going through a rough time, or even a great time, take a second to put yourself in their shoes. Think about how meaningful it would be to you to have someone really listen to you, and then respond as if they were right there with you. Would feel fantastic, wouldn't it?

With your friends, with your family. Just take a minute. Think.

Working Mom's Buzz

I am a working mother. I work 8-9 hour days. Add in the commute and ultimately I am away from home for up to 12 hours every day. My son is in day care, with a group of women I need to trust with every ounce of my being. My parents are nearly 8 hours away, my in-laws about 6, and my husband is pursuing a new career, but must first complete studying for his second bachelor's and master's degree. Day care is our only option.

I am plagued with guilt almost every day when I set my son on the floor at day care, place a toy in front of him, hoping that it will distract him long enough for me to make a quick, stealthy exit. I know that, depending on his mood, he has the potential to look at me as if I am the cruelest person in the world for leaving him there. I get in my car, and drive to work.

When I come home, he's there waiting for me with his daddy and I am almost 100% of the time greeted with a squeal and a smile. I have roughly 2-2.5 hours with him until it is bedtime. Within this time, one of us will cook, we eat and feed the baby, then clean up. Next thing I know, we have an iota of play time, then he is sleeping.

There are days where I feel the pang inside my stomach, the yearning to be able to stay home with my son every day. I see friends who are stay-at-home moms who can nurse on demand until age 1 and who can make their own baby food. If I close my eyes and envisioned perfection, that would be it. Almost.

Almost? Why almost? Here's why: I studied for four years to obtain my bachelor's degree. I busted my butt and landed myself a great full-time job with a company excellently positioned and a boss who was amazing. Working in this position for about 2.5 years prepared me for where I am now. After a short stint as a slave, er, I mean administrative assistant, I am finally working a job where I get to do something I love: write. I LIKE going to work. I LIKE my boss, my floor, how I get to spend my day. Not to mention... my paycheck is a necessity.

I am a mother, yes, and my son has fulfilled me in ways I have never imagined, but I am also 25 years old and have (I hope) a long life ahead of me. I'd love to spend my day with my son, playing, reading, going for walks, but, and here comes the other sense of guilt: I want, and need to be working.

I like adult interaction and conversation, I like people respecting my opinion and I LOVE being complimented by people with hefty titles on articles I wrote (oh, yeah - that happened).

So, here I sit, staring at fork in the road and really no option but to go in this direction -- working.

I like to live by the idea that 50 years from now when I have dentures, need a hearing aid and am sitting on my front porch swing with my beloved husband, I won't think back and say "I wish". Regrets happen, but I try with all of the power within me to not have any come knocking at my door. Everything happens for a reason, I believe that, and I plan to look to my husband and say, "I'm so that glad we..."